Well. Since you ask me for a pile of intrigue, a meticulously curated collection of theories and rumour, I shall oblige. Pay close attention, dear reader. For this week we bring you that selfsame list of VERY IMPORTANT CLUES AND SIGNS from ‘War of the Sontarans’. Now sit up straight and pay attention. We’re in for a rough ride, and we’re not even going via Birkenhead.
We open at the beginning – to be precise, that moment they materialise (without explanation) in the Crimea and the Doctor has another one of her freak-outs. The first thing she sees is a floating house, which mysteriously isn’t being held up by balloons.
So far, so generic. There’s something a bit Harry Potter about it, isn’t there? Is this a good time to point out that we’ve got fifteen visible windows there, corresponding TRANSPARENTLY AND UNAMBIGUOUSLY with the fifteen canonical Doctors? The fact that the Doctor’s childhood home was alluded to in the ‘Heaven Sent’ / ‘Hell Bent’ two parter?
Yes, but why am I bringing that up? I want you to look at that layout. It’s not an accident. To a layman, the design is merely idiosyncratic. To someone prepared to look a little deeper, those splintered rafters and protruding boards hide a wealth of symbolism. All right, that’s pushing it. They hide letters. Six, to be precise.
From left to right: E-N-E-V-H-A. Which we might rearrange to form…ooh, I don’t know, ‘Heaven’? A word that features twice in Peter Capaldi’s run? Look me in the eye and tell me that’s a coincidence. Go on. And don’t blink.
Numberplates next. I love a numberplate.
The ancient Volvo dates from December 1978 (the year I was born, no less) but if we break down the content of this plate we find something very interesting. For a start, GGF is a transparent reference to the Glass and Glazing Federation (you see what I did there), and whose headquarters lie on Rushworth Street in Southwark – a district used in ‘The Shakespeare Code’, ‘The Lazarus Experiment’, and ‘The Bells of St. John’. In other words, the Carrionites are back, only this time they’re in the WiFi. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Episode 736? ‘The Fires of Pompeii’. Oh look; it’s Capaldi again. As if this weren’t enough of a clue, take a look – no, a good look – at the framing of this shot, because it’s not an accident. You have fence posts littered along the left hand side – nine of them, to be precise, before the car obscures the tenth. Note two things: the post that appears to be awkwardly slotted between the first and second, just over the back, but which actually pertains CLEARLY AND UNAMBIGUOUSLY to the Ruth Doctor. Also note the puddle. The reflection. You know, the mirror. In other words, the parallel universe in which this is all taking place.
Lastly, we’re taking a look at some pen marks.
I know, I know. I know what you think it means. It’s the world’s least convincing bumper sticker, isn’t it? Or t-shirt design. Or, I don’t know, something that Yaz has scribbled on a hand she presumably never washes, probably the same one she uses to pick her nose.
But think about something. Specifically, let’s think about Scrabble. Because if you translate these letters into their respective Scrabble points a curious thing happens: assuming that a W is worth four points, a D two points and a T solitary point, the number sequence you get reads 44122. Which, coincidentally, is the zip code for Beachwood, Ohio – birthplace of Samuel Glazer (Glazer!), who co-founded the legendary Mr Coffee brand. As seen here.
And also here. And here.
So here you have three films. One has an eccentric time traveller who’s also a doctor. The others both feature John Hurt losing his abdomen AND THE FIRST TIME THIS HAPPENED PETER CAPALDI’S DOCTOR SAID IT WAS REALLY OFFENSIVE. I don’t think you need a degree in rocket science to see where this is going, do you?
There’s more. Total the tiles together and you get 13. I swear; these things just jump out at me.
Smoke rises over a blood-soaked battlefield. Corpses lie scattered near spilled bayonets and broken guns, bereft of both life and dignity, gaping wounds mixed with mud and rain. Somewhere, a crow caws its lament for the dead. A lone rider emerges from the distance. The helmet is removed. It’s a Sontaran, the one we saw in the trailer last week in an episode we knew was already titled ‘War of the Sontarans’. So much for the big reveal.
Perhaps I shouldn’t grumble. One of the best cliffhangers of early seventies Who (yes, even better than the faceless policemen or the PATTERNED FLOOR OF DEATH) was Pertwee’s exclamation of “Daleks!” when the soldiers he met in the jungle spray-painted an invisible enemy into existence; the effect was marred somewhat by the fact that this occurred at the end of episode one of ‘Planet of the Daleks’. Although was the Dalek itself the reveal? Or was it the fact that they can turn invisible now, the sort of shock factor that predates ‘Remembrance’ by some fifteen years? And does it really matter anyway?
We could argue about this all evening. What is at least fairly obvious is that the Sontarans have had a bit of a refit. They’re still battle-hungry, they’re still a clone race (more on that in a moment), they’re presumably still at war with the Rutans and they still haven’t worked out a solution for that awkward Achilles’ heel (well, all right, neck). But the design has undergone a few changes. They’re a little taller, grubbier, wrinklier – age, as we saw last week, is a factor – and if the potato gags are still coming thick and fast on the internet, the potatoes themselves appear to be going off.
“Hey!” says Emily, watching from the armchair while I scribble notes. “That’s how you’d look if you shaved your head!”
The Sontarans are in the Crimea – where the Doctor’s just landed, in the company of Dan and Yaz – but we’ve barely recovered from the opening credits before the companions are zipped into the future, leaving the Doctor to tackle the alien menace on her own. Well, not quite. She’s joined this week by nurse Mary Seacole (a gaily frocked Sara Powell), who patches the wounds of both English and ‘foreign’ soldiers, and who keeps a Sontaran chained up in the back like a rabid dog, or perhaps the subject of some strange fetish. Well, it’s a long way from home.
Leading the fight is General Logan (Casualty’s Gerald Kyd), a man almost as well-defined as a rain-smeared street painting, and about as two-dimensional – and who sadly has nothing much to do except refuse the Doctor’s help, look deeply disappointed when his troops are mown down by Sontaran lasers and then undo a theoretically peaceful conclusion with the sort of dirty trick that would impress even Harriet Jones. It’s all done with patronising guff about knowing your place and the same awkwardness that pervades most of Chibnall’s encounters with faceless pillars of authority: they’re around to advance the plot, and nothing more. There is no sense of who this man is, where he comes from or why he’s making the decisions he has – guilt, we’re told, is the only rationale that fits, but it would have been nice to get a few notes about motivation, however brief. Instead there’s a lot of sneering, a bit of a rumble on the battlefield and then an enormous explosion, before Whittaker stomps off to her doorless TARDIS in a sulk. Powell, on the other hand, looks to be having a whale of a time – her backstory may be reduced to a brief paragraph of hurried exposition, but she throws everything into the role, whether it’s scribbling notes at the edge of a Sontaran encampment or listening to the Doctor’s plan with the rapt attention of a brown-nosing schoolgirl. “Hello dear!” she says to Dan over a monitor screen, two centuries in the future. “I don’t understand any of this.”
While all this is going on, Yaz is stuck on the planet Time, which is a silly name for a planet (“And yet,” notes the Big Bad, “here we are”). Time itself is bleeding out of the temple – a mysterious and unduly beige facility landing somewhere between a quasi-Lovecraftian TARDIS knock-up and one of the sets from Dune, guarded by robed avatars who keep phasing in and out of existence with varying degrees of intensity, according to how much the universe is currently falling apart. Yaz isn’t there long before she runs into Vinder, the outpost commander who narrowly avoided being blown into smithereens last week, and whose enigmatic CV has now been embellished with the single addition of ‘Disgraced’. There’s a whiff of chemistry between the two of them, which means he won’t make it past episode six. Come the finale, they’re part of the circle, as the gloating Swarm parades the room with the swagger of a Marvel supervillain, flanked by the rest of his gang. We still don’t know who he is, and to be honest it’s kind of difficult to really care.
For all that, there’s an impulsive silliness about this episode that actually works quite well. It’s largely thanks to Dan, who jumps straight into the messy job of saving the entire planet with a gusto that’s borderline alarming. He cracks the three fingers thing immediately, and barely even flinches when watching the execution of three unnamed intruders to the Sontarans’ dockland headquarters. Even when reunited with Karvanista, he takes every revelation in his stride with the air of a man who’s been doing this for years, presumably because Chibnall wanted him this way. Either Yaz’s sudden competence is contagious, or this is poorly-written foreshadowing for some fob watch twist. Also, I know it’s dark and the Sontarans are probably tired, but why is it they’re able to mow down an entire platoon of advancing British soldiers from the other side of a foggy marsh, but they can’t hit an unarmed Scouser from ten feet away? It’s like a scene from Star Wars, and at least that had a more interesting score.
But I wonder if perhaps it’s better this way. If perhaps we’re better off with silly: if grandiose and overblown and ridiculous is a lesser evil, an acceptable substitute for worthy-and-dull. And with that in mind, I leave you with this personal highlight: the sight of John Bishop in a clapped-out Volvo, with two people who are supposed to be his parents despite being only about ten years his senior (which is perhaps not such a stretch, given we’re in Liverpool), talking about an alien invasion. They’re telling him that the best way to knock out a Sontaran is to hit the back of the neck. “How’d you find that out?” asks an incredulous Dan.
“Fella in Birkenhead,” is the response. “He was drunk. With a mallet.”
There’s a delicious pause. And then a shrug. “Birkenhead.”
The other day, I told you I didn’t do fan theory in my reviews. There’s a simple reason: I save it for the follow-up posts. And oh, have we woven the tangliest of webs in our forays across the strange and inevitable, constant reader! We’ve seen the patterns in the readouts and the drawings in the maps. We’ve delighted upon the hidden significance of strange objects and the cryptic portents of the etchings on a bracelet. Because a lot of people think Chris Chibnall is an idiot, but you and I know better. He’s playing a long game, and everything you saw in ‘The Halloween Apocalypse’ (and I do mean absolutely everything) was placed there for a reason. There is method in madness and marvel in the mundane. And so – because there’s no other choice – I bring you the latest in this series of VERY IMPORTANT CLUES that you definitely missed when you were watching on Sunday evening.
Having examined the archives, I note that the last time I did one of these was when we’d just met the Fugitive Doctor. I don’t know what happened to the rest of that series. Perhaps I burned out. Or perhaps there just weren’t any clues. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. We’ll make up for lost time.
Starting with this…
Blink and you’ll miss it. Seen clutched by the Doctor and Yaz in the opening scene, this seemingly innocent metal bar actually holds a wealth of detail. For a start, think of it as a clock – with a black space between six and eight. Which doesn’t necessarily mean anything, of course. It’s not like there were any references to the McCoy era during that opening sequence. I mean, it’s not as if she was talking about Nitro 9 or anything. Oh, wait. She was. I’ll leave you to fill in the blanks yourself, but please don’t forget that Sophie Aldred wrote a book last year. An upcoming cameo is CLEARLY AND TRANSPARENTLY on the cards.
The other thing about this? Well, orientate it ninety degrees to the left and paint it yellow and you’ve got Pac-Man. First unveiled in 1980, the pill-popping pizza has two birthdays depending on how you count: 22 May, when he was first unveiled, and 10 October, when the game was released in America. It’s this second date that interests us the most, given that it is one day before the broadcast of ‘Meglos’ – specifically episode two, in which the cactus-like shapeshifter assumes the appearance of the Doctor, as played by Tom Baker. While he’s off getting involved in all manner of shenanigans, the real Doctor is trying to get out of a time loop with the help of Romana and K-9.
The other thing about this? Well, orientate it ninety degrees and paint it yellow and you’ve got Pac-Man. First unveiled in 1980, the pill-popping pizza has two birthdays depending on how you count: 22 May, when he was first unveiled, and 10 October, when the game was released in America. It’s this second date that interests us the most, given that it is one day before the broadcast of ‘Meglos’ – specifically episode two, in which the cactus-like shapeshifter assumes the appearance of the Doctor, as played by Tom Baker. While he’s off getting involved in all manner of shenanigans, the real Doctor is trying to get out of a time loop with the help of Romana and K-9.
Can I point out that whether you’re on this side of the pond or the other, 10 October 1980 is written as 10-10-80? Can I further point out that there are two version of the Tenth Doctor running around the multiverse and that only one of them is the genuine article? Did you know that story number 80 in the Doctor Who sequence is ‘Terror of the Zygons’, which deals with duplicates and doppelgangers? While we’re on it, has anyone failed to recall that the last time we saw David Tennant on screen he was fighting off Zygons, and that Tom Baker showed up?
Numbers next. I love numbers.
We were racking our brains in the BoM offices over this one. To what could it possibly refer? Story-and-episode? No, because ‘The Moonbase’ has but four episodes, while ‘Planet of Giants’ has only three. Doctor numbers? No, that’s just grasping at straws, and I don’t mean the useful plastic ones that you can’t get in the pub anymore, but rather those stupid paper models they have in McDonalds which are COMPLETELY USELESS WHEN YOU HAVE A MILKSHAKE. (Not that you can actually get milkshakes at the moment, thanks to bloody Brexit.)
We tried coordinates. And…bingo!
We’re in Tunisia. Tunisia! A matter of miles away from Tataouine, which stood in for its virtual namesake in the first Star Wars movie. How do you spell ‘crossover’? Is now a good time to mention the upcoming Obi-Wan TV show? Might we be seeing a cameo from Matt Smith, whose cancelled role in The Rise of Skywalker is now common knowledge? Can anyone else anticipate a Disney Doctor Who buyout within the next few years?
Also worth mentioning: this grid reference is situated on highway C211, which corresponds DIRECTLY AND UNAMBIGUOUSLY with episode 211 – also known as part two of ‘The Dominators’, in which the Quarks flap their arms a bit, and also story 211, ‘The Lodger’. Because I’d like to point out that Alfie is about nine years old now, which is optimum age for another appointment with the Doctor, assuming James Corden pauses for breath between musicals.
Now take a look at this picture.
It’s a ‘Liverpool’ food bank, except it was filmed in Cardiff. We know this because the sign from the building next door is for Beamrite Aerials, provider of quality cables and satellite equipment, who have their showroom on Broadway. A curious thing happens when you slide over to Street View, given that within the immediate vicinity of the shop you’ll find a Chinese called The Golden Cow, and two businesses – TWO! – that use the word ‘Angels’. You don’t need to be an idiot to see where this is going, but you do have to know your Old Testament to remember that the golden calf was an idol built for the wandering Israelites by their de facto second-in-command, Aaron. Which is where we draw a blank, because sadly there’s no one in Doctor Who by that name.
Oh wait a minute.
(In all seriousness for a moment, a couple of doors along from Beamrite you’ll find a charity called The Rainbow Of Hope, and I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that they’re the food bank in which Dan was seen loitering early in the episode. Either that or it’s just a lockup and they whacked in a few crates. But in any event, they’re probably worth a look, because these places are usually high on costs and low on donations, so you should consider giving them a few quid.)
I’m throwing you another screen now, in Vinder’s cockpit over at Outpost Rose. There was a lot to say about this one, so I stuck with simply annotating it.
Doppelgangers. Doubles. Clones. Omega. We’ve not seen him in a while, have we? I mean he’s scarcely seen himself since he lost his head. But here we have the biggest clue yet that this whole series is somehow about him. Makes a change from the Master, doesn’t it?
Cast your minds back a year and a half or so, to ‘Orphan 55’. No, wait, humour me. I know that people generally want to wipe ‘Orphan 55’ from their memory. I get it. Really I do. But it has some lovely moments early on, particularly when Ryan – the son of the aforementioned Aaron, don’t forget – becomes ill after buying crisps from a vending machine. And these, folks, were the crisps he bought. Now, take some deep breaths and suck your thumb. Oh, and watch out for the space bats.
If you were to Google the word ‘Kplap’ you’d throw up some interesting results. Unfortunately most of them aren’t in English, so we’re forced to use the little grey cells. Because I was toying with anagrams and I threw up something very interesting, and that’s this: ‘K’PLAPS CRISPS‘ can easily be rearranged to form ‘RIPS KPS CLASP‘. Which makes no sense at all, at least until you look up KPS and discover that they’re an established company who deliver piping systems for fossil fuels and chemicals. A transparent clue about fossil fuels? In a story about a scorched Earth? Seen here in a story about the end of the universe? Oh, we can see where this is going, sure enough. It’s the strongest sign yet that ‘Orphan 55’ wasn’t a one-off story we’d all like to consign to the list of episodes we don’t discuss. It was part one of a two-part story. And the second part is coming up soon. You heard it here first, folks.
By the way. If you add 5+5, you get Ten. Just saying.
Roll up! Roll up! Get your reviews here! Nice and fresh, straight off the rack! Only the best, mind you. None of that speculative dross about ulterior motives or disguised identities. You won’t find no wild theories ‘ere, madam. Here at BoM we like to keep it simple. Classic and timeless, that’s my way of working. Got me this far. [Sighs, looks around messy office, rubs unkempt chin] However far that is.
Look. Writing episode reviews is just no fun anymore. Either you’re doing it to get paid, in which case you find yourself forced to skirt the company line – which usually means reining in your contempt in order to stay in the BBC’s good books (and, more importantly, on their preview list) – or you’re like me, and you’re not getting paid and no one reads it. It’s a single opinion in a fandom that has never been more opinionated or vocal. And never mind what you write: because your opinion doesn’t have the weight of an established publication behind it, it is generally assumed (although seldom acknowledged) that you are a failed writer and that your opinion is bupkis, unless you happen to write something that by some miracle of literary synergy happens to tie in with what other people happen to be thinking. And how can you do that, when their thoughts are so frequently muddled?
Take this evening. I find myself this moment – this very moment – engaged in conversation with a woman I’m going to refer to as Melissa, although this is not her real name. We’re talking about the Swarm, the mysterious partial-faced man who emerges from an interstellar prison early in the episode, looking a little like Arnold Vosloo in The Mummy and sounding rather like a spiky-faced Lord Voldemort. The Swarm clearly has a history with everyone’s second-favourite Time Lord, which is more interesting (just) than the fact he can apparently disintegrate people by touching them. “But who is he?!?” Melissa wants to know. “And how does he know the Doctor?”
“I would assume that’s the overarching mystery,” I tell her, to which Melissa replies “This episode ended with a lot of unanswered questions”.
“Well, yeah,” is my answer. “At the risk of mansplaining, that’s entirely deliberate. It’s a single story and we haven’t got a clue what’s going on yet.”
“I know. It’s gonna drive me nuts.”
Perhaps the biggest mystery here is why Melissa is watching Doctor Who in the first place, but I can’t help thinking I’m being rather snide even thinking this, and so I don’t tell her. I just nod politely and duck out of the conversation. The thing is, I have a degree of sympathy with Melissa, and others like her, because I’m relatively seasoned at this – and certainly not new to the idea of overarching mystery and multiple threads – and I’m still trying to get my head around what I just watched. Was it good? Was it smoke and mirrors? Was it all spectacle and no substance? Yes, yes, and yes. And also no. In that order.
‘The Halloween Apocalypse’ is what happens when you have a brainstorming session that lasts until about three minutes before script deadline, which gives you barely enough time to get a Starbucks refill before the script has to be on the producer’s desk. It’s got that panicked eleventh hour homework vibe that comes when something was seemingly written in an awful hurry because the inbox was filling up with reminder emails. Actually coming up with something that works is out of the question: instead, you turn in the ideas sheet and plonk a little bit of filler at the beginning and the end, a sort of introductory paragraph and half-baked conclusion. There’s even a sheepish post-it attached – in the form of a Tweet on the official account – reading “Will this do?”.
This is hyperbole, but you get the idea. The general feeling is that of being overwhelmed. From the very outset we’re torpedoed with characters and monsters and more locations than your average David Attenborough documentary, usually accompanied by large white text captions (oh, it’s the Arctic Circle? Great. That’d explain the snow). There are old enemies with new faces, appearing from the woodwork without explanation, and unfamiliar figures appear to be several chapters ahead of both the Doctor and everyone who’s watching. There is a bombardment of ideas and themes and expository dialogue, all wrapped up in technobabble that’s frequently hard to hear above Segun Akinola’s thudding score, although that might just be our TV. It’s like the bit in Cat In The Hat when the cat is balancing the contents of the house’s toy chest on his paws (along with a rake and a goldfish) while bouncing up and down on a ball, and we all know how that ended. Just before the final credits roll the universe blows up, and it’s almost a relief.
Thrown into this maelstrom is the saintly and unsuspecting Dan Lewis (John Bishop), who doesn’t like soup – although he’s right, no one does – and who is first seen leading a tour party through a Liverpool museum, just before he’s thrown out by a one-handed love interest. I don’t know if we were supposed to notice the arm. Something about the camera angle seemed to make it just a little more obvious than it needed to be. Perhaps I’m just jumpy about these things. Dan works in a food bank, although his own cupboards are empty – we are mercifully spared a ponderous lecture about poverty, although there’s presumably time for that in a future episode. Besides, he’s only been in his kitchen five minutes when a six-foot dog busts through the wall and introduces himself as Barf and drops the unsuspecting Scouser into a booby-trapped cage, legging it halfway across the galaxy before you can say ‘down the banks’. Cue the Doctor and Yaz, who only succeed in shrinking his house.
It’s nice to see Yaz again. She’s almost experienced what we might call character development, having cultivated a snippy co-dependence on the Doctor, as well as a competent grasp of technology. I’m still not sure they spark, quite, but the early scenes in which they banter back and forth are at least an improvement on the stilted final moments of ‘Revolution of the Daleks’, although we don’t have long before the two of them are on an alien spacecraft unlocking doors and dodging lasers. As it turns out the supposed abduction wasn’t an abduction at all, but a rather heavy-handed rescue attempt. Earth – nay, the entire universe – is at risk from a cosmic obliteration that is wiping out stars and planets with all the ferocity of a drugged-up Thanos. We’re supposed to be horrified, but the team either didn’t know or didn’t care that Flux is another name for diarrhea. It’s difficult not to snigger when Karvanista describes it as “a hurricane, ripping through the structure of this universe”.
The problem isn’t that Chibnall can’t write. It’s that he can’t really write dialogue. There’s no real feel for the ebb and flow of a conversation, something Davies – for all his flaws – grasped very well. When Davros confronted the Tenth Doctor on board the Crucible, you could feel the electricity, even behind the ham. Chibnall has his lead antagonist stomp across a floodlit quarry towards a terrified soldier. “I waited,” he says, when she asks him what he’s been doing. “I planned. And now…I’m going to execute”, as if it were some ghastly payoff, instead of something you’d read in bad fan fiction. Elsewhere, Dan has an awkward encounter with a man on his doorstep clutching a beer can and a box of eggs. “You’re not even dressed up!” he exclaims, to which the visitor responds “Neither are you”. It simply doesn’t work. Moffat could be similarly pointless at times, but at least he was able to be funny about it.
And ultimately that’s how ‘The Halloween Apocalypse’ plays out: an explosion of ideas and concepts purposely designed to masquerade some absolutely terrible scriptwriting. And I don’t mean ‘terrible’ in terms of story structure; it’s clear that this is carrying on the Timeless Child arc, a narrative I didn’t personally object to, despite the fact that people have been arguing about it for a year and a half. Just as the Doctor isn’t afraid to use a mallet to fix the TARDIS, Chibnall isn’t afraid to use a sledgehammer to crack a gigantic misogynistic nut, and I don’t hold that against him, even if I’ve had to spend eighteen months explaining time and again that no, he didn’t screw with the continuity, the continuity has spent fifty-five years screwing with itself. Things are more interesting and less defined, and I like it that way. There is a long game being played out with these threads and characters and mini-stories, and while I don’t hold out much hope that the rest of Flux is going to tie them up the way the BBC have promised, a few loopholes never hurt anyone. They didn’t ruin Revenge of the Sith; they probably won’t ruin Doctor Who either.
But I can’t help thinking that we can do better than this – less clumsy, less prosaic, less…well, dull, for want of a better word. Can’t we have this story, but with a better, slightly more sophisticated use of Whittaker’s talent? Because this is a kid’s show, but that doesn’t mean it has to be clunky and obvious. We get enough of that on Nova Jones. Would it be too much to ask for the BBC’s flagship programme to display a little more panache? Take the long way round, spice up the banter, give the social commentary a little more window dressing? I’ve been saying for years that Doctor Who has always been basically rubbish, and that once you acknowledge this – even if you choose not to air such views publicly – then you enjoy it a lot more. I made my peace with that a long time ago. I just wish it didn’t have to be so transparently rubbish. If this is the bar they’ve set, then roll on armageddon.
There is a book on my shelf that makes the list of Brilliant Charity Shop Finds of 2017. Entitled Figure Fantasy, it celebrates the work of Daniel Picard, who has turned the careful posing of costumed action figures into what is quite literally an art form. Here’s the Man of Steel etching “BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN” onto a wall with his heat vision. Here’s the Hulk bending a tree. Here’s Darth Vader propped up at a urinal, the toilet walls lined by stormtroopers anxiously trying to incline their heads in the opposited direction. Look him up; the guy’s a genius.
I do not have Picard’s photographic skills, swanky lighting or creativity. I also don’t have the time or the patience. I have trouble enough getting the ruddy things to stand upright on concrete without wobbling in a summer breeze. However, I do have a decent-sized garden and the occasional good idea. Which has meant that as the children have got older, and the tendency to re-enact the finale of ‘Blink’ recedes somewhat, our playtime sessions have been replaced by impromptu photos in the garden. “Give me a Capaldi,” I’ll say in the manner of a concentrating surgeon or experienced mechanic, not taking my eyes from the scene I’m semi-meticulously assembling. “Dalek. Cybermen. Damn, we’ve got a wobble. Blu-tac, quick! CAN I GET SOME HELP IN HERE PLEASE?!”
Look, Doctor Who toys deserve to come out of their plastic packaging, all right? I can’t understand – truly I can’t – the mentality of people who buy them simply to have them, in order to build up a collection that does nothing except gather dust, a factory line of plastic David Tennants that sit permanently bubbled in cellophane, their tiny arms and legs bound with those irritating little cable things. Oh, they’re worth more, are they? What’s worth? How do you measure that?
So one of my Angels is missing a wing and Morbius’s leg has a tendency to drop out of its socket unannounced, but at least they get used. And such is the extent to which I have neglected this blog this year that we have a whole stack of unposted pictures, enough for a small exhibition, all hastily composed and all equally ludicrous. So this week and next, while you’re all drumming your fingers waiting for ‘The Halloween Apocalypse’, I’ll stick them all out here.
We’ll start with this one.
“Oh great. We’re back on Trenzalore.”
Unused Fourth Doctor stories.
“Right. I don’t want to panic anyone, but there’s a leek in the boat.”
“Interesting look, Frobisher.”
Now showing on Britbox: Doctor Who and the Revenge of the Killer Tomatoes.
“Hello, old friend. And here we are, you and me, on the last page.”
“Seriously. You’ve been out for like a month and a half. Don’t you think you can stop doing that now?”
“When this baby hits eighty-eight miles an hour, you’re – GREAT SCOTT!”
“I’m sure you’ll get the…point, Doctor. He. He he he he.”
The Doctor and Graham get caught up in a game of Tetris.
“Hey, anybody seen a – you know what, never mind.”
Been a little quiet in here of late, hasn’t it? There will come a day when I get back to posting regular content, but it is not this day. It’s likely to be the beginning of November, when we’re in the thick of Series 13. I used to post memes here regularly, and I may get back to doing that again, but a lot of the time the media interest has come and gone and it feels a bit more like lip service, or obsessive archiving for the simple reason of having done it, and for one reason or another that doesn’t sit right with me any more.
In the meantime I’m doing a little administration for a database website I run, and working on the book, and still creating regularly. As you’ll see…
1. Closing Time: Alternate Ending (August 2021)
My children tell me that my contempt for James Corden is rooted in the observation that he’s fat and successful, whereas I am fat and unsuccessful. There is probably some truth to this. At the same time I can’t help but wonder at the enduring appeal of the man, just as I can’t help but wonder at the enduring appeal of tailgating, or Bette Midler. He’s just so…there, and not in a good way. Rumours of unpleasant offscreen behaviour abound, and I probably wouldn’t mind so much were the man not so omnipresent, propping up musicals, chat shows and reunion specials with an overly familiar sycophancy that borders on excitable mawkishness. Even when he’s acting Corden is seemingly only able to play himself, and when said self is an outright dickhead, it doesn’t make for comfortable viewing.
I mean, he’s all right in Doctor Who. There’s a chemistry of sorts with Smith, who – thanks to Gareth Roberts’ flair for dialogue – bounces off him nicely. But I can’t be the only one who watched the end of ‘Closing Time’ with my teeth gritted. And so I changed it. And I can’t help thinking this new take, juvenile as it may be, is nonetheless slightly more believable than blowing up Cybermen with love. But then I’m fat and unsuccessful. What do I know?
2. Doctor Who, Alan Partridge Style (August 2021)
Confession time: I’ve had this one on the back burner for years. I mean it. At least three. The idea of redubbing K-9 with Steve Coogan’s Presenter From Hell wasn’t entirely mine, but once someone had suggested it I realised that it would need to centre, quite obviously, around him being rude to Adric. So that was a starting point, and what followed was years of procrastination, until This Time came back for a second series and I realised that it was best to just get on and do it before the character falls completely out of favour. So what you’ve got here is material from the first series of I’m Alan Partridge – I’m a stickler for a laugh track – with a promise that there will be a sequel somewhere down the line. He does manage to be summarily rude to Adric: turning the tin dog into a lecherous creep was a side effect, but I largely think it works.
3. Flux Trailer (October 2021)
So everyone was complaining that there was no proper trailer for Series 13, and that we just had the odd few seconds of out-of-context material, looped for about a minute, along with a bit of mugging for the camera. A closed set is seldom a good sign – sure, everyone knows about the Angels and Sontarans but I can’t help thinking that this is going to be six weeks of heavily dissected silliness, and in a way I can’t wait for it to be over so we can all get back to our normal, casual bitching, instead of the high intensity catfights that take place while a series is on.
Still. Flux. That’s…dysentery, surely? Well, we opened with a fart; why not close with one? And a bit of follow-through? Anyway, you lot wanted a proper trailer, so now you’ve got one. Make sure you watch to the end.
Stranger Things is one of those programmes I put off watching. It was nothing personal; we just tend to avoid anything that’s really popular, largely because when it’s hyped to death it seldom lives up to the press coverage. We avoided Lost, Prison Break and Game of Thrones largely for the same reason. (And yes, I recognise that avoiding press coverage isn’t exactly rocket science, but when you’re in my line of work, you have to keep your feet in the water.)
Then – following a Saturday evening viewing of Super 8 – Emily and I decided to give it a go, and found ourselves suitably enthralled. After a slowish beginning (the first series is all about buildup, and the unfolding of a delicate, exquisitely teased mystery before everything explodes) the programme abruptly kicks into gear, as the Duffer brothers dole out epic scaled battles and small moments of domestic dysfunction with the expertise of master craftsmen. We binged the first three series in just over a month, which is something that never happens in our house. If you’ve seen it, you can understand why. This really is good TV: self-aware without being snide; nostalgic without being vacuous.
I could write more. But I think we’ll do that as we go. I don’t pretend this list is exhaustive, or definitive – it’s just the bits I liked. If I missed your favourite, tell me in the comments.
Spoilers follow. If you’ve not watched the thing, I’d advise against reading any further.
1. Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
No eighties period drama is complete without the iconic soundtrack, right? For most of us, at least people my age, the Clash’s anthem is most synonymous with a jeans advert it accompanied when it was rereleased: in the show it’s used early on as a bonding exercise between the missing Will Byers and his older brother Jonathan. Distraught and distressed but not yet broken, mother Joyce (Winona Ryder, in a career highlight) wanders through their ramshackle home to find the song blasting from Will’s cassette player, right before the lights go haywire and something starts to come out of the wall. This is probably the first time the show was decently scary, but what makes it is the moment the terrified Joyce runs out to her Ford Pinto, sits her with hands clutching the wheel…right before her face sets into a determined grimace, and she leaves the car and walks back into the house.
2. Barb’s Death
Horror movie sex is usually a death sentence – only on this occasion, the death happens to someone else, literally a world away. As Barb runs through the Upside Down, stalked by a largely unseen Demogorgon, Nancy is back in Steve’s expensive house, and the two of them are getting it on to Foreigner. This is all about symbolic juxtaposition – Nancy’s approaching orgasm mirrored with Barb’s helpless scream, as her hands reach out for Steve’s while her soon-to-be-dead best friend is holding on for dear life.
3. The Body
Yes, yes. If you’ve seen the rest of the series you’ll be aware that Will survives his ordeal in the Upside Down and lives to become a host for a parasite. Still, there was a point early on where it really looked like he was done for, as the police fish a body from the lake, the dismayed Hopper looking on as Peter Gabriel’s sombre cover of ‘Heroes’ plays over the closing montage. This whole scene smacks of convoluted scheming that serves no purpose other than to provide a narrative feint – why on earth would you go to these lengths to produce a fake body when it would be much easier to char a corpse and mock up dental records? – but still, it packs a heck of an emotional punch.
4. The Undoing of Troy
For the most part, there isn’t a single wasted character in the entire show. We might make an exception for Troy – a contemptible bully with no apparent redeeming features whatsoever, whose sole purpose is to abuse and belittle the Party. Having already been humiliated a couple of episodes back, he’s now out for blood – but what’s astonishing about this scene is the depth of friendship that exists between these children: Mike couldn’t have known that he’d be spared, and seems genuinely prepared to dive from a cliff in order to save his friend. As it turns out he doesn’t have to, as Eleven shows up in the nick of time in order to levitate Mike away from certain death, right before breaking Troy’s arm. Eat your heart out, E.T.
5. Drunk Nancy
There’s nothing particularly important about this scene. Nothing world-shattering. It’s just two people having an argument at a party. But it features some of the best acting in the series. Natalie Dyer slurs and rants as the camera dips and dives, reflecting both her inebriation and fragile mental state. It’s an astonishing moment, and despite being great in everything that followed, I don’t think Nancy was ever quite so compelling, or so watchable, as she was here.
6. Splitting Hairs
If there’s one curveball in particular the Duffer Brothers threw from their mitt, it’s the development of Steve Harrington. Initially the preppy dickhead who smashed Jonathan’s camera, he escaped the axe (Steve is one of those characters who was supposedly not going to survive the show’s first season) only to become altogether kinder, funnier and more responsible. There’s a certain growth borne out of humiliation – by season 3 Steve has failed to get into college and is reduced to working in an ice cream parlour while he rethinks his future – but key to his success as a fan favourite is the decision to pair him up with Dustin, and any scenes the two have together usually serve as comedic highlights. This first encounter, in which they discuss hair products while on the way to bait a carnivorous monster, set the tone for much of what follows.
Poor Sean Astin. Having successfully paid off his family’s mortgage in The Goonies, and carried Frodo to the top of Mount Doom some eighteen years down the line, his more recent career seems to consist mostly of a series of memorable deaths. Not content with having choked on poison gas in 24, he finally gets to play the hero in Stranger Things’ second season, only to meet a violent end at the hands of a rampaging demogorgon. What’s clever about this is that it doesn’t quite unfold the way you think it will: the moment (just before this clip) where the camera swoops onto the forgotten pistol is, we’re convinced, something that Bob will come to regret later on, but as it turns out he never stood a chance. The rest of it unfolds in a series of slow motion cliches, and there is a lot of screaming and stretching, but it works, and it gives Joyce something to do, and that final shot of creatures feasting on Astin’s lifeless corpse is worthy of Romero himself.
8. The Snowball
Proposal: the final episode of Stranger Things‘ second series is one of the finest hours of television ever made. That’s largely because it finishes early and leaves plenty of time for the wind-down: a blissful, ten-minute sequence that takes place near Christmas, with Mike finally getting to fulfil the promise he made a year ago. If Eleven’s return at the end of episode seven was akin to the reunion in Casablanca, this is the Bogart and Bergman scene we never got to see, which makes it all the more satisfying. As the camera pans around the hall, Will learns that being a misfit has its advantages, Max and Lucas share a first kiss – oh, and Dustin is dancing with Nancy. Even before that mesmerising final (and quite literal) twist, this is absolutely glorious work.
9. Hopper vs the Russian
It’s all a bit silly, is this, but that’s not a bad thing. Having gone full-on Magnum P.I. the moment he threw on that floral shirt (prompting waves of applause from anyone old enough to remember it and waves of confusion in just about everybody else), we get, in this scene, a full-on fistfight. The jump cutting veers into Quantum of Solace territory at times, but this is both funny and frightening, the seemingly indestructible Russian making the most of the pistol Joyce accidentally throws at him, before the two heroes and the programmer they’ve abducted flee from a volley of machine gun fire in an unreliable car, barely escaping with their lives.
10. Back to the Future
We bloody love Robin. Played to quirky perfection by Maya Hawke, she is the model of open-minded serenity, adapting to new scenarios and life-threatening situations like a backpacker switching trains. Her coming out to Steve is artfully rendered, taking place in adjacent bathroom stalls, but it’s this scene that sticks in my memory – as the two weary fugitives, blood-soaked and under the influence of drugs, debate the finer points of Back To The Future before giggling at the ceiling. Marvellous.
11. The Sauna Test
I’ll be honest. There are moments, early on in Stranger Things 3, when you wonder if the show’s lost its way a bit. Then the third episode ends with a bang (I’m not getting into it here; I’ll just say “Don McLean”), and you spend much of ‘The Sauna Test’ wondering how on earth they’re going to top that. And then this happens. I dearly wish I could show you the whole thing, but this oft-reconstructed sequence – the subject of a thousand Reaction videos – is absolutely sensational work. The way the kids are grouped, Eleven standing in front with her arms outstretched in defiant protection. The incredible makeup job on Peggy Miley’s face. The lighting and the sensible camera work and the sweat. The scream that emenates from Mille Bobby Brown’s throat the moment she finally throws Billy through the wall. It’s an astounding scene, and nothing Doctor Who has done in the past five years has come even close.
12. Dustin and Suzie sing
For most of season three, Dustin’s girlfriend Suzie languishes in a quantum state – real and not real, existing or not existing depending on who’s handling the observation – and her eventual reveal is a classic plant-and-payoff. That said reveal takes the form of a song, delivered over radio waves between Salt Lake City and Indiana, is a stroke of genius, Gaten Matarazzo and Gabriella Pizzolo belting out the Limahl classic as if the universe depended on it – which, of course, it does. In a dark, frightening and unremittingly sombre episode, this is a moment of sheer unbridled joy.
No one knows the agony of waiting like a Doctor Who fan, except anyone who has stood at a Reading bus stop on a Sunday. It seems like only seven and a half months since we last saw Jodie Whittaker, blasting across our screens in the company of her fam, along with fan favourite Captain Jack Harkness as they broke out of a hi-tech prison and then took on an army of Daleks. Since then details about the new series have been scant and hard to find. But here at Digital Spy / The Radio Times / The Teal Mango / We Got This Covered, we’ve collected together all the information you already knew and then rearranged it slightly differently to make it look like we’re bringing something fresh to the table. You may hate us for this but it’s the middle of the silly season and there’s nothing else happening until the BBC’s autumn trailer drops. So read on, and be enlightened.
When is the new series of Doctor Who?
The new series of Doctor Who will air sometime in 2021. As there isn’t that much of August left, it is likely to be September. Or October. Maybe November. Almost definitely November because otherwise it’s nearly Christmas. It’ll be on a Sunday because it usually is, at a time that interferes with whatever’s on the other side. We don’t have a release date, despite basically implying that we did. Possibly 2022.
Who will be starring in the new series?
Jodie Whittaker will be returning as the Thirteenth Doctor for her final full series, having already done two full series, series 11 and series 12, before that. Joining her is Mandip Gill playing Yaz, and John Bishop as new companion Dan. Not appearing in the series will be previous companions Ryan Sinclair and Graham O’Brien, played by Tosin Cole and Bradley Walsh, because they left in ‘Revolution of the Daleks’, just in case you’d nodded off during that protracted finale. Game of Thrones actor Jacob Anderson will be joining the show as a man called Vinder, and although we know nothing about him we’ve got a few random fan theories about him being a new incarnation of Rassilon that we’re going to use to pad out space. We know that you could have got all this from Google but we like you to look at our pages rather than anyone else’s, because ads help pay the rent. We also just looked up the word ‘Vinder’ in the Urban Dictionary and really wish we hadn’t.
What will happen in the new series and how many episodes are there?
There are eight episodes in all but the main series will consist of six episodes that form one continuous arc. This is big news because it has never happened before, except for all the times that it did. This is the part where we show you a picture of Colin Baker. We don’t know what will happen in the stories because the teaser trailer was just a bunch of random pictures repeated two or three times before being analysed to breaking point, but some guy on Twitter took a few pictures of Weeping Angels on a telephoto lens, so we’ll drop that in along with a rumour about an origin story so we can make a pointless reference to Timothy Dalton’s obvious metaphor at the end of ‘The End Of Time’. We also have “QUOTE OF EMPTY CONTENT” from Chris Chibnall, in which he promises it will be “brilliant” and “ground-breaking” and a few other hyperbolic superlatives, so we’re embedding that somewhere so it looks like we’ve done our research.
Who will be the new Doctor and when will we find out who they are?
Pass, on both counts. The only certainty is that they will be either A BRILLIANT CHOICE or ABSOLUTELY THE WRONG CHOICE and people will talk about how this is a great forward step for the show or a return to the dark days when Doctor Who was on a Wednesday and Bonnie Langford screamed a lot. We could, if we wanted, name a bunch of currently topical actors who’ve popped up in the Mirror recently, because it keeps people talking, particularly if one of them ticks an LGBTQ+ box or is called Idris Elba. The current favourite is Michael Sheen, who is someone people would like to see in the role because he’s been in Doctor Who before, plus he worked with David Tennant a couple of years back and he’s famous and a good actor, even though to the best of our knowledge he’s not actually been approached and this is all in here purely for Search Engine Optimisation.
Who will be the new Doctor Who showrunner?
It will be a man or a woman who has worked in television before. Probably not an American because the BBC don’t like hiring them, at least we don’t think so based on a rejection letter Stephen King’s son had back before the Covid pandemic.
So in short, you actually don’t know a whole lot.
No, but please don’t tell anyone. They put us in the chokey if we don’t keep the hit counts above water.
You’re not being very helpful, are you?
Oh, bugger off.
Don’t say:I’m sure this is actually going to be all right, you know.
Do say: LIBERAL LEFTY SJW WOKE PC DUMPSTER FIRE GARBAGE CHINBALLS SPITS ON THE GRAVE OF HARTNELL!