It’s lame. Seriously lame. They insist it’s all scientific, but I don’t suppose for a minute that it is. For one thing, I spent half the quiz thinking “Well, I wouldn’t do any of those things”. It wasn’t even a question of closest possible fit; my answers were just nowhere near. In companion terms, this presumably makes me Adric.
There must be a market for a decent quiz featuring companions from Classic Who. What follows is not it, but it will do as a stopgap. And because I don’t really have the time to come up with decent questions, I have stolen all of the hypothetical scenarios you’re about to read, verbatim, from Blade Runner. Reaction time is a factor.
1. It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
A) Depends. Do you have matching jodhpurs?
B) Hope it’s from the Doctor. Is it from the Doctor? Please let it be from the Doctor.
C) Try to hump it. Mmm, calfskin.
2. You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?
A) Show the jar to the Doctor. Seductively run your finger round the rim. Whisper “spoilers…”. Flash cleavage. Repeat.
B) Struggle for ages to open the jar, and then ask the Doctor to help.
C) Hump the jar.
3. You’re watching television. Suddenly you realise there’s a wasp crawling on your arm. You:
A) Sigh, then burn it out with your laser pistol. Then delicately lick your fingers, and flash some cleavage.
B) Shout for the Doctor. If you can get him to remove it, he might fall in love with you.
C) Try to hump it.
4. You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that?
A) Because the shell’s worth a fortune on the black market, and you owe Dorium a favour. Although you might have to show him your arse first.
B) Because the Doctor has a tortoiseshell allergy, and you’re worried about it getting on your fingers, particularly as tonight’s your scheduled ‘accidental brushing against his hand over the TARDIS console’ night.
C) Because you’re about to hump it.
5. Describe, in single words, only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.
You’re River Song. Ease up on the flirting, huntress.
You’re Martha Jones. Stop simpering over a nine-hundred-year-old alien on the rebound and go and finish medical school. You can still be Mickey’s sloppy seconds.
You’re Jack Harkness. Get help.
There. I think we all had more fun this way, didn’t we?
* I was Rose. We’re not going to talk about it.